A Story for My Nieces

I am blessed to have wonderful nieces who range in age from a baby to teenagers.  As I think of what girls go through with regard to self image and worth, my heart aches for them.  My feelings are heightened when I think of all the new types of media with which they will be bombarded--telling them that they are too dark skinned or too light skinned, too fat or too skinny, too tall or too short, and that their features are too small or too big.  I want all of them to know that they are precious inside and out.  I want them to know how deeply they are loved and treasured by God and by all of us.  I want them to know that they are beautiful, and that their uniqueness makes them beautiful.  I want them to know that they are far more than what is on the outside and that cultivating inner beauty is a far more lasting and meaningful investment than obsessing on what is on the outside.  I want them to feel the kind of confidence that gives them freedom to be themselves, to love lavishly without being weighed down by fear or insecurity, to be true to their ideals, to respect themselves, to ask questions and learn, to treat their hearts and their bodies with wisdom, and to pursue dreams big and small.  I want them to know that we believe in them and will always be here to cheer them on.  This is my prayer.

These thoughts are the inspiration for the children's story below.  I wrote it in honor of my nieces and it is dedicated to them. 

Asha pushed open the front door, dragging her backpack on the floor behind her.  Mama’s face lit up at seeing her dear little girl after her first day of kindergarten.  But quickly, Mama’s smile faded.  “Asha, what is wrong?”  Mama said.  Mama’s words triggered the pool of tears in Asha’s eyes to spill one by one down her soft brown cheek.  “Mama, I’m not pretty,” whispered Asha.  Mama could not believe her ears!  How could her sweet little Asha believe such a terrible thing! Soon tears started to pool up in Mama’s eyes too.  Mama kneeled down, wrapped her arms tightly around Asha, and stroked Asha’s curly dark hair.  “Asha, why would you think such a terrible thing?” Mama asked gently.   Asha looked up at Mama’s clear blue eyes.  Mama’s golden eyebrows always crinkled when she was worried.  “Mama, today Teacher read us a story about a Pretty Princess with silky golden hair and clear blue eyes like yours.” Asha twirled a piece of Mama’s shiny hair between her fingers. “And then at recess, some girls asked me to play Pretty Princess with them.  Sarah got to be the Pretty Princess because she has silky golden hair and clear blue eyes.”  Asha buried her face into Mama’s shoulder. “Mama, why can’t I have silky golden hair and clear blue eyes like yours and Sarah’s and the Pretty Princess?”  Mama sighed.  “Oh, my sweet Asha.” Mama said.  “Let us go for a walk.”  Mama sang softly ask she took Asha’s little hand in hers and opened the front door.  Out they walked.  Mama and Asha walked down the steps, through their yard, past the white fence, onto the sidewalk, across the street, into the park, and onto the trail in the woods.   The slight chill of fall made their faces pink.  Their boots tapped on the ground as they stepped and the branches above them rustled in the wind.  Suddenly,  Mama stopped.  “Shhh” she told Asha quietly.  “Look!”  Asha’s eyes darted in the direction that Mama’s finger was pointing.  “What, Mama?” Asha whispered, craning her neck to see what caught Mama’s eye.  “There, behind that tree,”  Mama said.  “The horses!”  Just behind the tree was a field, and in the field were four horses—two smaller ones and two bigger ones.  Asha loved horses and the way their manes danced in the wind.  Mama exclaimed, “Oh, Asha, see how beautiful they are!  One is white like the snow in the mountains we hike in winter.  One is brown like the bark on the tree you love to climb in the spring.  Another is red like the fire that burns in the campfire we build in the summer.  And the last one is black like the night sky we watch from our porch on a crisp fall night”.    Asha watched in wonder.  Mama asked, “Asha, which horse is pretty?”  Asha looked at the white one.  How she loved hearing the white snow crunch under her feet as she hiked in the woods with Mama and Papa!  Then she looked at the brown one.  How she loved climbing on the rich brown bark of her favorite tree in the spring time!  Then she looked at the red one.  How she loved sitting around the campfire watching the flickering red flames in the summer time!  Then she looked at the black one.  How she loved cuddling in Papa’s lap in the fall, as they sat on the porch and counted the stars in the black shiny night!  “Mama!” cried Asha.  “I love them all!”  Mama kneeled down and held Asha’s face in her hands.  “Asha, your hair is dark like the shiny black night sky.  Your hair is curly like the waves that crash onto the shore.  Your eyes are deep like the rich chocolate we sip.  Your skin is brown like the toasty smooth sand that warms our feet at the beach.  Your voice is sweet like the song of the birds that wake us up each morning.”  Asha listened to Mama with amazement and thought to herself, “Could it really be true?” Mama continued, “And Asha, like the horses, princesses come in every size and color!”  And then Mama leaned in really close and said, “Asha, do you know what makes someone the most beautiful?”  “What Mama?” Asha asked, eager to know.  Mama grabbed Asha’s hands. “Using your hands to share with your neighbor.  Using your eyes to see the lonely people around you.  Using your mouth to smile with gratitude.  Using your voice to speak the truth with love.  Using your arms to work hard.  Using your brain to think deeply.  Using your feet to run to the aid of someone in need”.  Asha looked at Mama.  Mama was the most beautiful person Asha had ever seen.  And it was true, Asha had seen Mama do all of these things!  Mama stood up with Asha’s hand snuggly tucked into hers.  They turned back towards home.  Asha looked up at the sky, watching it fade from blue, to orange, to purple, to pink, and then to black.  She pondered the words Mama spoke to her in the woods.  The next day at school, Teacher read a story about a princess in a far away land whose hair was as dark as the night.  At recess, Asha saw Sarah crying.  Asha ran over to Sarah and put her arm around her.  “Sarah, what is wrong?” Asha asked her friend.  Sarah asked Asha, “Why can’t I have hair as dark as the night?”  Asha hugged Sarah tightly, just like Mama had hugged her the day before.  “Oh, Sarah,”  Asha said.  “Let’s go for a walk….”

The End.

Learning in my 30's

Tomorrow I turn 37 years old.  In all honesty, I have to say that my 30’s have been my least favorite age in many ways.  These years have been a wilderness for me—filled with trials, uncertainty and doubt.  My heart has been broken by people I trusted, people I was supposed to be able to trust.  My dreams have not materialized in the ways I thought they would.  I have seen un-pretty things about myself that I have never seen before.  And yet these dark days are winning for me a new hope, a new confidence, and a new freedom I have never known.  I am truly learning to believe not just with my head but with all of my heart that my identity and value are in Jesus Christ and not in my accomplishments or what people think of me. 

As a Christian, I have believed in theory that all people are created by the God of the Bible who is all wise, all loving, all knowing, all powerful, all sovereign, and all good.  I have believed that every human life has value bestowed by our Creator because he loves every one of us.  I have believed that we cannot earn God’s love or ever be “good enough” or do anything for God as if the God of the Universe had “needs”.  I have believed that God’s love is a free gift that we can accept, for which we can be grateful, and in which we can find rest and joy.  I have believed that God is worthy of our love and obedience and worship. I believed that there is more to this life than going to school, finding a job, finding a spouse, having children, accumulating things, pursuing short-lived pleasures, and then dying.  I have believed that I am part of the family of God through faith—that He is my loving heavenly Father, that Christ is my brother, that the Spirit of God lives in me, and that I am connected to His people.  I have experienced love that is out of this world—Christ’s love that is pursuing, enduring, sacrificial, generous, courageous, powerful, honest, and that does not return reviling for reviling. I have believed in God’s forgiveness towards me—for all the ways I have not loved him or others as He has loved me.  Out of His forgiveness and love for me, I have experienced an overwhelming desire to learn to love others in the way that Christ has loved me.   And yet, there is something about being at the end of myself, about stepping out in faith into the abyss of uncertainty, and about watching my crutches fail, that causes me to engage with God with a greater urgency and with a greater honesty.  He meets me in that raw and vulnerable place.   He shows me beautiful things about Himself there. He gives me peace that makes no sense.  And He painstakingly carves into my heart truths that previously only floated around as abstractions in my head.  Below are some of the things I am learning. Some of these are not yet developed thoughts, but God is at work teaching me about all of these things in this season.   I'm writing them down so that I do not forget and so that I am not tempted to think this confusing and difficult period of my life is in vain.:

1)      In Christ the Solid Rock I stand.  All other ground is sinking sand.

2)      So many things compete for my worth—my accomplishments, whether I am liked or admired, my experiences, the way I look, what I do for a living, my relationships… none of these things are 100% secure.  Christ’s love for me is secure.  I am valuable because He loves me.

3)      I love because God first loved me.

4)      I can do many great and noble things, but if I do them without love, these things are meaningless.

5)      I am in the middle.  I cannot judge my life through the perspective from which I stand today.  God is at work in me and through me even when progress seems imperceptible to me.  I have eternity ahead, but I cannot see it clearly from my current vantage point.

6)      People are more important than things. A person should never be an agenda or a means to an end.  I want to love people who can give me absolutely nothing in return, just as God has loved me in this way.  I never want to use people, but rather love them because God loves them and He is honored in love itself.

7)      There is infinite joy and peace in being loved by God.  This is a source of unending strength when loving others breaks our hearts.  And loving others will break our hearts, and we will break other people’s hearts as well.  God is the only one who loves perfectly on this side of heaven.

8)      Love is motivated by the good of the beloved, but what is good for us does not always feel good.    

9)      It is healthy and loving to set boundaries with people rather than enabling them in harming themselves, others, and ourselves.

10)   Most of us get anxious or upset and even lash out when others draw boundaries with us because it disrupts what is comfortable to us (even if what is comfortable to us is also highly destructive to us).

 

11)  People will assume the worst about you and misrepresent you to others.  We all do this to others in one way or another, at some time or another, out of ignorance or malice.  It is possible in Christ to not return reviling for reviling.  It is possible to return love for hate. It is possible to do good to those who harm you.  You do not have to defend yourself when you are misrepresented.  This is not easy, and I simply cannot do this in my own strength. But our ability to live out of Christ's character is not dependent on others living out of that same character.  Christ modeled this character for us, and he helps us live it out.  He loves to help us be true to our identity in Him.  We will fumble, bumble, and stumble in this, but He will give us grace to walk.

 

12) There is a time to speak and a time to be quiet.   Ask God for wisdom to know the difference and to do either always in love, always in truth, and always with faith.

 

13) Truth is essential to genuine reconciliation and meaningful relationship.

14)   Some of the greatest gains of life come through walking through circumstances that cause us anxiety and discomfort rather than avoiding these things.

15)   It is okay to take a break from people who hurt you.  It does not mean that you are not loving them.   As the flight attendants tell us, we must put on our own oxygen masks before attempt to help others. When others wound us, it is okay and often wise to let those wounds heal before re-engaging with them. When we find ourselves in a position to re-engage, it is okay and wise to re-define the relationship and set appropriate boundaries.

 

16) I can only be responsible for myself.  I can't control what people do or think.  It is not good for me to carry what God intends to be carried by someone else.  I need to resist my urge believe that I am helping in these cases.  There is actually a lot of arrogance in that belief. I need to take responsibility for that which God has placed in my domain and release the rest.  I need to trust Him in both.   There is much truth to the serenity prayer (pasted below in its original form written by Reinhold Niebuhr). 

 

17) As much as it is possible, we are to live peaceably with others.  In certain seasons it is not possible.  Sometimes standing up for what is right means that we disrupt the peace.  Sometimes setting a boundary means that we disrupt the peace.  Sometimes telling the truth disrupts the peace.  Sometimes protecting others requires disrupting the peace.

 

18) Love covers a multitude of sins.  Jesus has looked upon me with grace and mercy.  I am to look upon others with love and mercy.  He has been patient and long suffering with me, and calls me to be the same with others.  In this kindness and grace, love can transform like nothing else can.

19)   Our love tanks must be filled up in order to pour out love to others.  God fills us with the kind of love that can be given to people who cannot love us in return.  God graciously provides us with people who can love and pour into us.  But even when we feel lonely, unlovable, or unloved by people, God is always there ready to show us His perfect love for us.  He is the only one who can love us perfectly.

20)   Our hearts are so deceitful.  This is why it is good to seek counsel and to listen. I know this because I have had many moments where my instincts seemed “wise” to me in my emotional distress and where a trusted friend has counseled me against these instincts.  99% of the time,  I could see down the road that my friends were right. 

21)   I should not make decisions when I am sad, angry, lonely, tired or sick. This is hard for me because I am an activist by nature.  But praying, seeking counsel, and sleeping are usually better things to do before acting. 

22)   Seek out truth, do not hide from it.  There is freedom in the light.  We are often afraid to seek out truth, to ask questions, to speak truth out loud, or to be honest with ourselves, others, and God.  But truth sets us free.  Truth kills shame.  Deceit, hiding, and ignoring feeds it. Adam and Eve hid from God and each other after the fall.  They were enslaved by shame.  In Christ, we have no reason for shame because He has covered our shame with His love.  The shame we feel by what we have done and what others have done to us is no match for His love.  This is true freedom.

23)   Deal with the past. Everyone has a past.  It may seem wise to let sleeping dogs lie, but this is not the same as making peace with our pasts. Many of us ignore our past in ways that appear functional on the surface.  However, upon further digging, the ways that we have been wounded ourselves and the ways we have wounded others will affect the way we see and relate to God, ourselves, and others.   Sometimes we cannot see this in ourselves, but people who love us and see us often can see this in us and may even be bleeding themselves from the shrapnel we’ve been carrying around.  We would do well to ask wise, safe, and trusted people in our life about this, as we often cannot see and do not know how much we are hurting ourselves and those we love. Facing our past with honesty is the only way to be free of it.  We do not have to face any of it alone, there is much help to be had.  We need help from God and each other.  In acknowledging the truth and getting help, we will experience freedom and functionality that we never thought possible before.

24)   As much as we may have been wounded by wounded people (and as much as this is not our fault and is often beyond our control,)we must take responsibility for the direction we want to go with our lives.  We can seek healing for our wounds, or we can continue to perpetuate the destructive cycle by wounding ourselves and others.

25)   We are not alone.  If we humbly and sincerely seek help, it is there. God delights in helping us.  He provides help in so many unexpected places and through so many unexpected people.

26)   As long as I have breath, it is never too late to change course.   I am not a slave to my circumstances or my age.

27)   God does not promise us a rosy or pain-free life.  He promises to walk with us through everything.  He promises that His perfect love will satisfy us.  He promises He will not withhold good from those who seek Him.  He promises that He knows what is good because He is good and wise and just.

 

28) God looks on me with grace and delight--not because I am perfect or even competent at many things, but just because He loves and enjoys me. I have had a small glimpse of this heart in having nieces and nephews.  These children are a gift.  They bring me joy.  I love them so much.  They screw up.  They throw fits.  They do not know how to do a lot of things.  And sometimes they hate me for saying things like, "No, you can't play with scissors" or "Yes, you do have to go to bed".  And yet, I love them and enjoy them so much.  I would give my life for theirs in a heartbeat.  Their sweet words, hugs, gifts of artwork, time, etc. are priceless to me. I want them to come to me when they are sad or mad or confused.  I want them to share their hearts and dreams and joys with me too.  If I have this heart toward them, how much more does the God of Love have this heart towards His children, His creation!

29)   There is indescribable peace in learning about and meditating on the character of God.  As I read the Bible, I find that He is more wise, more loving, more powerful, and more gracious than I could ever imagine.

 

30) In all things, I can rejoice and give thanks because I have already received the greatest gift I could hope for or imagine through Christ's love for me.  And I have only scratched the surface of what this gift is.  I have the rest of my life and eternity ahead to attempt to plumb its depths.

I will close with the original form of the "Serenity Prayer" written by Reinhold Niebuhr and also with one of my favorite songs (written by Todd Agnew):

Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr

God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

Come Ye Sinners by Todd Agnew

Come ye sinners, poor and needy
Weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus ready stands to save you
Full of pity, love and power

Come ye thirsty, come and welcome
God's free bounty glorify
True belief and true repentance
Every grace that brings you nigh

And I will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in His arms
And in the arms of my dear Savior
Oh, there are ten thousand charms

Come ye weary an' heavy-laden
Lost and ruined by the fall
And if you tarry until you're better
You will never come at all

And I will arise and go to Jesus
And He will embrace me in His arms
And in the arms of my dear Savior
Oh, there are ten thousand charms
Ten thousand charms

And I will arise and go to Jesus
And He will embrace me in His arms
And in the arms of my dear Savior
Oh, there are ten thousand charms

I will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in His arms
And in the arms of my dear Savior
Oh, there are ten thousand charms
Oh, there are ten thousand charms
Yes, there are ten thousand charms

Tim Keller On Anger

A friend sent me a sermon by Tim Keller on this passage of James 1:

"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. 21 Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.22 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24 For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. 25 But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing. 26 If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless. 27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world."

 Here are some great quotes from the sermon:

“Anger is not sin...Cancerous anger is that which is quick, out of control and leads you to do things that afterward you wish you hadn’t done… What is the opposite of this anger?...The opposite of this anger is not self control… [it’s] humility.  you know how the two kinds of belly buttons, well there are two kinds of anger—innie anger is the  bitterness, keep it inside, hold the grudge…outtie anger is the flaring up, the blowing up.  If you’ve got a problem with either, your problem is not just ‘I’ve got to stop, I’ve got to stop’.  Pride is here…Here’s what turns anger cancerous here, when you release the anger to defend your pride…to save face…”

“Anger which is cancerous is being released because you, in your pride, are trying to control an uncontrollable universe.  And in particular, you are trying to preserve a spotless image of yourself, your pride…Anger by definition is to defend something.  But when you are defending the good, the true, other people, justice, it leads to righteousness.  But when you are releasing it to defend the spotless image of yourself, it turns cancerous. “

“Cancerous anger says I must not allow anyone to destroy my image of myself because if I were to accept what the gospel says I am…and here’s what the gospel says you are: you are a totally loved moral failure.  In Christ, you are totally loved, but you are a moral failure.  Nothing less than the death of the son of God could possibly save you.  But because He has died for you...forget yourself image, you are a sinner, you are a moral failure but you are absolutely loved.  An angry person is someone who denies that at the heart.  And if somebody tries to show that you’re a failure… you blow up: ‘no, it’s not my fault, it’s her fault, it’s his fault, it’s their fault, it’s God’s fault!’  And you blow because you cannot admit that you are really a moral failure…because if you admitted that, you wouldn’t be loved.  I’m either a moral failure or I am loved, I can’t be both.  The gospel says you can be both. An angry person says ‘I can’t be both’.  And therefore at the heart…is self righteousness, is pride.  It’s the reason you blow and it’s the reason you are bitter.  Why do you hold a grudge, only because you have forgotten how sinful you are.  You can’t think about your debt to Jesus and her or his debt to you at the same time… if you are not a listener, if you control situations, if you are an irritable person, you are going to be that way with God, you are not going to be able to let the Word of God come in.  Self righteousness a denial of the gospel of grace is what makes people angry and controlling instead of listening and accepting and if you are not a person who takes criticism well, if you are not a good listener, if people don’t want to come and tell you about their problems because they know you are a wonderful listener, it probably means you won’t get anything out of the Word of God either. “

Mother's Day Rejoicing and Weeping

 

Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”  This is my favorite verse on Mother’s Day.  Being childless is a great sorrow in my life, and yet there are aspects of it for which I am grateful.  One of the ways I am grateful for this pain in my life is that it has opened my eyes in new ways to see the outcaste and the marginalized.  There are a lot of people in this world who do not feel like they fit in.  There are a lot of people in this life who aren’t easy to be around.  There are a lot of people in this life who are lonely.  Recently, I was talking to an older gentleman who is friendly, joyful, and quick to help out wherever he is needed in his community.  We were making small talk and Mother’s Day came up.  He shared with me his experience of Mother’s and Father’s Day.  This outgoing person was telling me how he usually makes a point to stay home on these two days, as being out and about just highlights his own loneliness as a man who has been single his whole life.  Another friend of mine has recently lost her mother suddenly to cancer.  Another friend of mine has a strained and painful relationship with her mother.  Another friend has lost a child.  Another friend is amazing with children and has longed for children and marriage and has not found either.  The other day on the radio, I heard a caller discuss tearfully how painful it is to pick out a Mother’s Day card for her emotionally absent mother—all of the cards just gushed about how great moms were and this caller could not stomach the falsity of giving her mom such a card.  Many of my friends have struggled with infertility and Mother’s Day is unbearable to them. 

For me, I have struggled with childlessness.  I am 36 and I don’t fit into my peer group.  I don’t know what my future is like—whether I will ever experience the joys and gifts of motherhood or grand-motherhood or whether I will be without a family in this sense.  Mother’s Day is not easy for me.  I cannot tell you how many awkward moments I have had when strangers have wished me a Happy Mother’s Day.  I remember once walking into a church where every woman was handed a flower for Mother’s Day.  When I walked in the door I awkwardly told the well-meaning greeter that I wasn’t a mom, and he took the flower back, not knowing what to say or do. 

I love that Jesus noticed the people that other people missed.  I love that Jesus sought out the outcaste and the marginalized and the unpopular—like tax collectors and prostitutes.  I love that the Bible even calls Jesus a “Man of Sorrows”.

Anyway, the point of this post is to say, if you are one who finds Mother’s Day joyful that is great of course, but maybe look around and notice those who do not—recognize their weeping and weep with them.  Recognize that sometimes, they are going to need space, time, grace and accommodation to heal.  Remember them when they feel forgotten, rejected, and lonely.  If you are one who finds Mother’s Day painful, that is okay too, but when you are able, seek the gift of being able to look around and rejoice with those who are rejoicing.  Being a mother is no doubt a difficult thing too and is full of sacrifice.  These Moms should be encouraged, helped, and celebrated.  Children are indeed a blessing to parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and friends.  Find the joy in other people’s joy.

If you think about it, it is hard to rejoice with those who are rejoicing, when you are completely broken.  It is hard to weep with those who weep when everything is going right in your life.  What makes this almost impossible task possible is love—love that looks outside of ourselves, love that looks around, love that puts ourselves in another person’s shoes, love that is there for the “unlovely”, love that makes us vulnerable and honest, and love that makes another person’s interests their own.

I have found this love in Christ.  He has loved me like this--amazing love.  He has loved me in my brokenness. He has loved me in my anger. He has loved me in my rebellion. He has loved me when I question His goodness and wisdom. He has loved me unconditionally. He has loved me sacrifically. He has loved me by providing for my needs. He has loved me by allowing me to walk through the fires of life in order to see new and beautiful things and to grow in many ways. He has loved me by never leaving me alone. He has loved me by bridging the gap in painful or absent relationships. He has loved me by putting love in my heart for people I would never love on my own and in circumstances where I would rather retreat instead of engage.  This love transforms. I pray that He will continue to put His love in my heart--that He would help me to love more like Him, more sincerely, more purely, more sacrificially, and more passionately.  I pray that He would help me love in all the difficult and impossible situations in my life and that He would help me love the difficult and impossible people in my life (recognizing that I am a "difficult and impossible" person too! :))

No matter where we are at, may this love help us love our those around us in their weeping and rejoicing!

1 Cor12: 12 “For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. 13 For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.

14 “For the body does not consist of one member but of many. 15 If the foot should say, ‘Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,’ that would not make it any less a part of the body. 16 And if the ear should say, ‘Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,’ that would not make it any less a part of the body. 17 If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? 18 But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. 19 If all were a single member, where would the body be? 20 As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.

21 The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, ‘I have no need of you.’ 22 On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23 and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, 24 which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, 25 that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. 26 If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.”

The Gospel Life Disconnect in the American Church

A friend posted a great quote on her blog:

“No amount of activity in the King’s service will make up for neglect of the King Himself.”–R.M. M’Cheyne

What a great quote. It kind of reminded me of this passage of Scripture:

“Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, ‘Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.’ But the Lord answered her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.’” (Luke 10:38-42 ESV)

But it also reminded me of these two passages:

“On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’” (Matthew 7:22-23 ESV)

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-3 ESV)

Anyway, the quote got me thinking about something that has been on my mind a lot. Often (in America at least) we preach a truncated gospel. We preach about creation and the fall, that every person is a sinner, that none of us can pay the price of our sin, that we need saving from the consequence of our sin (in particular eternal death), that Jesus came to pay the price of our sin, that through trusting Jesus (believing in Him and following Him), we can be saved (in particular from eternal death). And then we often stop here. And from here, many times a person becomes a Christian and then is groomed to focus the rest of their lives on sharing the gospel with others who do not yet know and trust Jesus. The result can be a joyless and awkward performance-driven striving to live “on mission”.

There is a hugely obvious missing link here. The key lies in this question: What relevance (beyond evangelism) does the gospel have in the life of a Christian after he or she is “saved”?  In other words, what does life with the King Himself look like?

The truth is that the gospel has implications in the life of a Christian beyond being saved from eternal death. We are not just being saved from eternal death, we are being saved to eternal life with our Good and Perfect God of the Universe! He is the God of love who created us. That life starts here on earth. We get to enjoy fellowship with Him and with His people, and He by His Spirit is transforming our hearts and character into His likeness. He is in the process of leading us into our new identity in Him as children of God and co-heirs with Christ. He is leading us into freedom from the things that have been bondage to us—like our sin and the sin committed against us. He has promised to not leave us as orphans. He has promised that all of the things that He is doing and allowing in our lives have a glorious purpose that He is bringing us to that makes everything worthwhile (and that is saying a lot considering the type of suffering there is in this world!). This brings comfort and joy in this life that supersedes (and often defies) our life circumstances. The more we meditate on Him, learn about His character and promises in His word, the more we communicate with Him through prayer and song, the more we fellowship with His people, the more we feel and experience the reality of this comfort and joy in this life. And we live in tremendous hope beyond this earthly life because we are promised to one day be with Him--finally unburdened by sin and suffering and completely free to enjoy our Creator in whose presence “there is fullness of joy” and at whose “right hand are pleasures forevermore”. (Psalm 16:11 ESV)

The Bible has much to say about this aspect of our salvation.  We see in books like Romans and Ephesians where the first section focuses on how God saves sinners and then the books transition into how the reality of this good news affects the life of a believer in community within a family, in a workplace, in a church, among neighbors and as citizens of a government. We are exhorted to live out of the reality that God so scandalously loved us while we were His enemies that He sacrificially gave of His life to rescue us and that He continues to love us scandalously by graciously transforming us from one degree of glory to the next in this life time. This has profound implications for the life of a believer! We are not left on our own to deal with our sin and wounded-ness alone, but rather God by His Spirit helps us by teaching us truth and empowering us to change as we behold Him and His character and our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ are equipped to help us with the unique gifts God has given them for the purpose of loving and helping others in the Body of Christ (and we have the privilege of using our unique God given gifts in the same way)! We are called to forgive others as God has forgiven us and to love others as God has loved us. We are called to participate in the unity of God the Father and God the Son through God the Spirit, alongside our brothers and sisters in Christ. As we live by the Spirit in the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ, the Spirit grows us and transforms us and produces in us spiritual fruit such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. We become disciples of Jesus.

Interestingly, this concept is contained in the Great Commission itself (the foundational text for the “missional” life):

“’Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.’”(Matthew 28:19-20 ESV)

This life of abiding in Christ and experiencing the realities of relationship with Him and His people is the life of a disciple--it is the point of being saved! EVERY CHRISTIAN NEEDS THIS! There are no super-Christians. It doesn't matter if you have been a Christian for decades or whether you are unusually gifted or whether you are in leadership or whether you are famous. There are no self-sufficient Christians. Every human being is wounded by this life and its trials and sorrows. Every human being is wounded by their own sin and by the sin committed against them. Some appear more “needy” than others, and yet we all are in great need.  The truth often is that some are better at hiding and denying their neediness, or white knuckling, or being distracted through life than others.

But so many times, God’s people are taught to believe in Jesus and then to go and make disciples without really even learning what it is to be a disciple, to live a gospel saturated life, to live in gospel community, or to grow in the knowledge of Jesus through studying the Bible! Of course the result is often joyless "obedience" or walking through the motions, performance-driven despair, and even an agenda-driven awkwardness at best and lack of love at worst.  Sharing our faith becomes more like selling a product. It feels like one of those awkward pyramid scheme pitches. Church becomes a big business of producing converts who in turn produce converts. And all the while we secretly feel condemnation because we do not know joy, we do not feel brotherly affection, and (although we are quick to say that we want to live for the glory of God) we have no idea what the glory of God is! Sometimes we feel "used" by God and His people (in a negative sense) because we are so focused on "doing" rather than first experiencing the riches of an ongoing relationship with God and His people. We are slower to open ourselves up to one another and we are slower to humbly listen to counsel from one another, preferring our independent lives or engaging in “community” so long as it is the warm and fuzzy conflict-free type.  We live in fear and hide our true lives (especially our weaknesses and sins and struggles) from each other.  As a result, we are quicker to part ways when disagreement and conflict arises because we do not invest in living out the gospel in safe communities where we image God to one another in humble, persevering, and sacrificial gospel love.  Our definition of “success” becomes the numbers of “converts” we have, rather than actually experiencing and showing others how to experience the riches of knowing Christ and growing in things like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control by His Spirit!
When we abide in Christ and the application of the gospel in our lives every day, sharing our lives and our faith with others becomes a bi-product of our love for God and our love for people. We want to share about who God is because He is revealing marvelous things about Himself to us! And we want to serve and bless people who know Him and people who don’t because we start to see God’s creation through His eyes of love. And the Holy Spirit births in us sincere, authentic, and unforced love for others. And we find ourselves even loving those who are difficult to love or those who have hurt and betrayed us. Living “missionally” (aka a life of efficacious love that demonstrates the gospel to others) becomes an unforced outflow of the gospel life of a disciple.

A Few Great Quotes From the First Couple Chapters of "No Ordinary Marriage: Together for God's Glory" by Tim Savage

“No Ordinary Marriage Together for God’s Glory” by Tim Savage.

“We all know that one of the greatest social scourges of our day is the failure of marriages, and not just marriages that collapse in separation and divorce, but also those which, while remaining “intact” become severely strained and emotionally scarred. One recent study reveals that nine out of ten marriages are ‘filled with dissatisfaction in every dimension of the relationship’  Nor is this just a modern malady.  Marital unhappiness has been a blemish on every age. Martin Luther, the great sixteenth-century Christian Reformer whose own marriage became a model for generations of German partnerships commented on the absence of good marriages in his day: ‘When I see a husband and a wife who are at one I am glad as if I were in a garden of roses. It is rare.’ ” p 16-17

“…we would expect God’s glory to be the most treasured ingredient of marriage. Most often, it is not.  We treasure other things far more—rings, sex, babies. But this is because we understand divine glory only in part. We imagine it to be exceedingly brilliant, even blinding, causing our spines to tingle and our breath to be stolen away. Emanating direction from God himself, we suppose it to be matchlessly beautiful, utterly awe-inspiring, and somewhat terrifying.  Beyond that, we find it difficult to quantify.  For most of us, the glory of God remains an abstraction cloaked in a mystery.  Yet divine glory is more accessible than we might think.  According to King Solomon, the whole earth is filled with Gods’ glory (Ps. 72:19).  That means everywhere we look, from the tiniest molecule to the largest ocean, we see evidence of God’s glory.  Woven into the fabric of every bird of paradise, every polished agate, every towering sequoia, every emerald lake, every microscopic atom, and, especially every human being—woven into every visible component of the physical world is a breathtaking display of the glory of the One who fashioned those components. And not just the visible world, but also the invisible universe—or multiuniverse as astral physicists now name interstellar space. In the words of King David, ‘The heavens declare the glory of God’ (Ps. 19:1)”  P. 20

“’[For this cause], a man shall leave his father and his mother and [be united] to his wife, (v.24)’ Naturally we want to ask, For what cause shall a man be united to his wife? The context supplies an answer: because of everything God has done to form this union, be-cause of his involvement at every stage of its development, be-cause of the heavy allotment of glory he has invested in this partnership. We marry, not primarily for our own benefit and pleasure, nor principally for the comfort of mutual own benefit and pleasure, not principally for the comfort of mutual affection, nor ultimately for the joy of bearing and raising children—we marry be-cause in a work of unparalleled glory the Lord built this union.  We marry because of his glory.” P. 23

“The blessings of a union cemented by God’s glory are manifold.  First of all, such a marriage will be invulnerable to the vacillating circumstances of life.  For many couples, change threatens marital harmony.  When time steals away the youthful features of a wife or produces hormonal swings and unpredictable emotions, husbands may be tempted to look elsewhere for more attractive and predictable companionship.  When the stresses of work erode a husband’s self-respect and diminish his capacity for sensitivity, a wife may be tempted to look further afield for her encouragement.  But this will be the case only if partners focus on the oscillating drama of feminine beauty and masculine strength.  If, instead, they cling to the glory of God as the rope that secures their union, the fluctuating circumstances of life will, far from destabilize their marriage, provide grounds for a deeper bond.  This is because the glory of God is stronger in its capacity to bind than circumstances are in their capacity to divide.” P. 25

“…when spouses fix their gazes on the glory of the Lord, they need never despair over apparent incompatibilities. While it is always important before marriage to assess the compatibility of a potential  partner, the matter becomes moot after marriage. No alleged incompatability will ever be able to break apart a husband and a wife, who focus on the glory of God. Differences are inevitable in marriage: one partner may be quiet and deliberate and the other excitable and spontaneous; one may prefer directness and the other withdrawal.  But such differences will never become ‘irreconcilable,’ a line of thinking too convenient for husbands and wives today.  Even the most disparate partners will be unified by the glory of the Lord, because divine glory is more able to bind than incompatibilities are to divide.” P. 25

Neediness in the Family of God

The audio from my husband, Kristian Ellefsen's, sermon on the "Children of God" from August 5th is available here: http://www.thecoramdeofellowship.org/resources/sermon-audio/Kristian preached on how God calls us to be needy.

This sermon got me thinking about a lot of things. One of them is church culture.

By “needy”, Kristian is not talking about being demanding of others to meet our needs. He is not talking about idolizing people or allowing or expecting people to fill a role that only God was meant to fill in our lives. He is not talking about an obsession with self or an unhealthy introspection. He is not talking about selfish excuses not to love and humbly serve those around us. He is not talking about laziness or suggesting we do not seek to work hard and excel in the things that we are called and equipped by God to do. Rather, he is talking about a humble posture that acknowledges that we do not exist apart from God’s sovereign hand. We need Him for everything. We were created to need Him. And an important way that God administers His grace, love, and help to us is through each other!

Being needy tends to be a negative term in our culture and even in churches--especially the longer you are a Christian and especially if you are in leadership. It is just one of the ways the church has borrowed secular business principles in a way that is not consistent with living as the family of God. Drive or ambition that is funneled through self-sufficiency and individualism is something that is prized in the business world and the competition that it breeds often leads to tremendous innovation.

And yet, the Bible presents a radically different way of living where we are called to humility and an acknowledgment of our dependence on God firstly, but also we are told that we were created to rely on one another as we image Him to each other and administer His grace to each other. While at times our “achievements” and feelings of independence in life can deceive us into thinking we are self-sufficient, Acts 17 tells us that we depend on God for even the most basic human act of breathing! And 1 Corinthians 12 and 1 Peter 4:10 are examples of how we need each other in the Body of Christ.

In church culture, sometimes we look down on those in the Body who appear “needy” or “high maintenance”, as if those who need are somehow less spiritual or have less faith than those who are “put together” or those who have learned to “feed themselves”. (Interestingly, the people Jesus hung out with during His life on earth were what we could recognize as needy!) Sometimes we ignore our neediness because it is too much for us to do deal with--either because it is too painful or to wearisome to ourselves and others. (If we tire of our own selves, how much more will we tire the "friends" around us.)  Sometimes neediness is figuratively beaten out of people in churches through “tough love” measures. Sometimes we distract ourselves from our neediness (knowingly and unknowingly) with so many things that we become blind or apathetic toward our own great need. We even get distracted by good things like leading and serving others.  Sometimes we are deluded into thinking others are more “put together” due to a church culture where we hide our sin and mess from each other out of fear of looking bad or being rejected or shunned by the Body. And in particular for men in the church, there is sometimes an over-compensation against the sinful passivity of men in the church where now the pendulum has swung the other way and “Biblical” masculinity is presented more like a caricature of tough, emotionless, sports-loving, meat-eating, testosterone pumped “dudes” rather what we see in Scripture (for example, Scriptures that address men specifically--like Ephesians 5:25-33 or 1 Timothy 3:1-7 or Titus 2—or Scriptures that talk about the fruit of the Spirit in general, or even Scriptures that point us to the example Jesus modeled (!). In Jesus, we see such strength and tenderness, such power and humility, such emotion and sharpness of mind, and such a strong dependence on the Father. Interestingly, these traits are treasures in women too!). And yet men in the church are often shamed out of acknowledging or displaying neediness of almost any kind.

I have noticed that the Christians who have most impacted me with their faith-backed wisdom and example are Christians who are aware of their brokenness. Many of these Christians have walked through circumstances of suffering or struggles with sin or weaknesses (much like the “thorn” that Paul references) that have taught them of their own need. Frequently (but not always) they are Christians who have walked in faith for much longer than I have. These are Christians who have such a strong and beautiful glimpse of the great sacrificial love and grace by which the God of the Universe saved His rebellious creation (i.e. all of us!). They are slower to judge those around them for this reason and are quicker to show compassion and tenderness without compromising truth. These are Christians who live out and out of the grace they have experienced in Christ and in their need of Him. These Christians are like a breath of fresh air. Instead of pointing me to themselves or to the law, they point me to the freedom and hope that they have found in Christ. They point me to the heart of love that my Heavenly Father has for me without sugar coating my sin, minimizing the pain in the struggles of life, or making much of themselves. They are not full of platitudes or Pharisaical and self-righteous remarks. They are not characterized by boasting or self-deprecation. They are not afraid to share from the messiness of their lives. Rather, their brokenness and awareness of their need before God has produced a quiet and steady confidence and hope in God that is grounded in humility. As they have acknowledged their need before God, God has filled these Christians with His love—both with His love for them but also with authentic affection and love for those around them—even those of us who are the most inconvenient or hardest to love. God uses these Christians to show His love and grace and to create an environment where others feel safe to express their need too. One of these dear saints in our lives frequently tells us “I am not going anywhere”. This friend understands steadfastness and perseverance in love. And in doing so, this friend has imaged God’s love to us in such a beautiful and powerful and life impactful way.

I pray for God to mold me and mature me like this too!

If you want another example of the posture of godly neediness that I am talking about, a great book to read is “The Practice of the Presence of God” by Brother Lawrence. Here it is on amazon.com:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Practice-Presence-Brother-Lawrence/dp/1475289812/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1345010134&sr=8-2&keywords=brother+lawrence


To go directly to Kristian’s sermon on neediness, click here: http://my.ekklesia360.com/Clients/sermonaudioplayer.php?CMSCODE=EKK&siteid=2806&sermonid=439463&useSkin=skin_plain.xml&CMS_LINK=http%3A%2F%2Fmy.ekklesia360.com

Acts 17:24-25 ESV “The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything.”         

1 Corinthians 12:12-27 “For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.

For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say,“Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.”

1 Peter 4:8-11 ESV “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.”