I literally could not fall asleep because I was thinking... mourning is a better word. I was thinking about some losses in life over the past few years and experiencing the heartbreak of it all. Yes, there has been some healing. Yes, there have been some strides. Yes, there has been some growth. Yes, there has been some repentance. And yet there is still pain. There is still unresolved. There is still distance. There is more enduring in love to do. There is more prayerful waiting to do. There is more learning for me to do. There is more repenting to do when my heart wanders into bitterness, which is something for which I need to be constantly on guard. There are still effects--known and unknown--that need to be worked through.
I came downstairs to read and write, and I stumbled on my friend, Wendy's blog. http://www.theologyforwomen.org/2011/07/what-bitterness-really-is.html?showComment=1310707542603#c3302637365833248698 When I read the title, "What Bitterness Really Is," I was sure that God was going to use it to show me that the unease in my heart right now was due to my bitterness--that bitterness was the reason the effects of certain events still linger in my heart. But actually, He spoke to me a different word. While I undoubtedly do need to guard my wandering heart against the bitterness that creeps up in me, there is reason to mourn. There is a difference between mourning and bitterness. And it is okay to mourn.
Perhaps the bridge between mourning and bitterness is pride--creating an "us" and "them"...thinking that we would never be capable of doing "such a thing", forgetting that we are also sinners in need of grace, and meditating on how our "rights" have been trampled by the one who has betrayed or abandoned us rather than laying down our rights out of love in service to another's good. Humble mourning instead is motivated by love--feeling the pain of relationship interrupted and experiencing this pain because we love the God who is love and who loved us first, and accordingly, we love others. We were created to love and be loved and when sin causes separation, it ought to produce mourning.
And I sit here, feeling the sting of a broken heart, I know my Savior feels that sting too and that He is at work--redeeming me and redeeming the others involved. And that thought does bring me peace and is a salve to my broken heart.
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