A Few Thoughts on Biblical Friendship

John 15:13 “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”



Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”


Proverbs 18:24 “24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”


Proverbs 27: 5-6: “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”


Proverbs 27:9 “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel”


Philippians 2:1-11 “So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

A Biblical friend loves sacrificially.

A Biblical friend looks to the interest of her friend.

A Biblical friend loves actively, not just passively or from afar.

A Biblical friend looks to Jesus as her model of friendship

A Biblical friend endures even through difficulty, hardship, awkwardness, and conflict, even when doing so costs her.

A Biblical friend does not exit through the front door or through the backdoor of her friend’s life when things get tough or awkward.

A Biblical friend lovingly tells the truth, even when it is hard to do so.

A Biblical friend humbly receives counsel and even rebuke, even when it hard to do so.

A Biblical friend loves with the fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control.

A Biblical friend loves according to gospel love—the kind of love that is patient and kind, does not envy or boast, is not arrogant or rude, does not insist on its own way, is not irritable or resentful, does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and doesn’t end.

Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you that you model friendship for us!! Thank you for being faithful to us even though we were not faithful to you!  Thank you for Jesus who demonstrates what that looks like in a tangible way by living a life of sacrifical love and humble service.  Thank you for your Spirit who teaches us how to love this way and who empowers us to love this way despite our sin and weakness. Father, forgive me for the ways I have not been a biblical friend to my friends. Help me to love like the beautiful description I see in your Word!! Help me to be this type of friend. Help me to be more concerned about being this type of friend to others than about how others are or are not this type of friend to me. Forgive me and give me grace where I fall short. And help me to forgive and give grace where my friends fall short. I ask this in your precious name, Amen!!

Bitterness and Mourning

I literally could not fall asleep because I was thinking... mourning is a better word.  I was thinking about some losses in life over the past few years and experiencing the heartbreak of it all.  Yes, there has been some healing.  Yes, there have been some strides.  Yes, there has been some growth.  Yes, there has been some repentance.  And yet there is still pain.  There is still unresolved.  There is still distance. There is more enduring in love to do.  There is more prayerful waiting to do. There is more learning for me to do.  There is more repenting to do when my heart wanders into bitterness, which is something for which I need to be constantly on guard.  There are still effects--known and unknown--that need to be worked through.

I came downstairs to read and write, and I stumbled on my friend, Wendy's blog.  http://www.theologyforwomen.org/2011/07/what-bitterness-really-is.html?showComment=1310707542603#c3302637365833248698  When I read the title, "What Bitterness Really Is," I was sure that God was going to use it to show me that the unease in my heart right now was due to my bitterness--that bitterness was the reason the effects of certain events still linger in my heart.  But actually, He spoke to me a different word.  While I undoubtedly do need to guard my wandering heart against the bitterness that creeps up in me, there is reason to mourn.  There is a difference between mourning and bitterness.  And it is okay to mourn. 

Perhaps the bridge between mourning and bitterness is pride--creating an "us" and "them"...thinking that we would never be capable of doing "such a thing", forgetting that we are also sinners in need of grace, and meditating on how our "rights" have been trampled by the one who has betrayed or abandoned us rather than laying down our rights out of love in service to another's good.  Humble mourning instead is motivated by love--feeling the pain of relationship interrupted and experiencing this pain because we love the God who is love and who loved us first, and accordingly, we love others. We were created to love and be loved and when sin causes separation, it ought to produce mourning. 

And I sit here, feeling the sting of a broken heart, I know my Savior feels that sting too and that He is at work--redeeming me and redeeming the others involved.  And that thought does bring me peace and is a salve to my broken heart.

Great Post from Paul Tripp on Relationships from Desiring God

www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/gods-wisdom-your-relationships

God's Wisdom, Your Relationships



June 1, 2011
by: Paul Tripp

God’s Word really does open up to us the mysteries of the universe. It really does make us wiser than we could ever be without it. And yet, having said all this, it's sad that we don’t take more advantage of this wisdom God has given us. It's sad that we don’t think his thoughts after him, that we don’t require ourselves to look at life through the lens of his revelation. It's sad that we swindle ourselves into thinking that we are wiser than we are. We're not irritated by his foolishness, nor are we motivated to seek his help. One of the places you see this most clearly is in the struggles we experience in our relationships.
Why have I reminded you of all this? I encounter people everywhere I go who are discouraged and confused about their relationships. I want you to think about your own relationships and look at them through three perspectives derived from biblical wisdom. These mentalities are essential in creating and sustaining a healthy relational lifestyle.


1) You must live in your relationships with a harvest mentality.


Paul captures this mentality with these very familiar words: “Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap” (Galatians 6:7). This is an essential mentality if you want to live with habits of reconciliation. You have to buy into the principle of consequences. Here it is: there is an organic relationship between the seeds you plant and the fruit you harvest. In the physical world you will never plant peach pits and get apples. In the same way, there will be organic consistency between the seeds of words and actions that you plant in your relationships and the quality of harvest that you will experience later as you live and relate to one another.
Every day you harvest relational plants that have come from the seeds of words and actions that you previously planted. And every day you plant seeds of words and actions that you will later harvest. Most of the seeds you plant will be small, but one thousand small seeds that grow up into trees will result in an environment-changing forest. Your relationships are continuously planted with little-moment seeds of words and actions grow into the forest of either love or trouble.
2) You must live in your relationships with an investment mentality.


We are all treasure hunters. We all live to gain, maintain, keep, and enjoy things that are valuable to us. Our behavior in any given situation of life is our attempt to get what is valuable to us out of that situation. There are things in your life that you have assigned importance to, and once you have, you are no longer willing to live without them (these principles are laid out in Matthew 6:19–33). Everyone does it. We live to possess and experience the things upon which we have set our hearts. We are always living for some kind of treasure.


Every treasure you set your heart on and actively seek will give you some kind of return. An argumentative moment is an investment in the treasure of being right, and from it you will get some kind of relational return. If you aggressively argue the other person into a corner, it is not likely that the return on that investment will be his or her appreciation for you, nor will it be the desire to have similar conversations again. If you invest in the treasure of willing service, you will experience the return of appreciation, respect, and a deeper friendship. If it is more valuable to have control than it is for your friend or spouse to feel heard, loved and understood, then you will live with the return of that in the quality of your relationship.



Investment is inescapable; you do it everyday, and it's hard to get away from the return on the investments you have made. Ask yourself,

What are the things that are valuable to me right now, the things I work to experience everyday and am unwilling to live without?


How is the return on those investments shaping my relationships?
3) You must live in your relationships with a grace mentality.


When I got married, I didn’t understand grace. I had a principle-istic view of Scripture that caused me to bring a law economy into all of my relationships. The central focus of the Bible is not a set of practical principles for life. No, the central theme of the Bible is a person, Jesus Christ. If all you and I had needed was a knowledge and understanding of a certain set of God-revealed principles for living, Jesus would not have needed to come.

I think there are many Christians living in Christless relationships. Without knowing what they have done, they have constructed law-based rather than grace-based relationships. And because of this they're asking the law to do what only grace can accomplish.
The problem with this is that we are not just people in need of wisdom; we are also people in need of rescue—and the thing that we need to be rescued from is us. Our fundamental problem is not ignorance of what is right. Our problem is selfishness of heart that causes us to care more about what we want than about what we know is right. The laws, principles, and perspectives of Scripture provide the best standard ever towards which our relationships should strive. They can reveal our wrongs and failures, but they have no capacity whatsoever to deliver us from them. For that we need the daily grace that only Jesus can give us.
So, we must not simply hold one another to the high relational standards of God’s Word, but we must also daily offer the same grace that we have been given to one another so that we may be tools of grace in the lives of one another. Our confidence is not in the ability we have to keep God’s law but rather in the life-giving and heart-transforming grace of the one who has drawn us to himself and has the power to draw us to one another. When we live with this confidence, we look at the difficulties of our relationships not so much as hassles to be endured, but as opportunities to enter into an even deeper experience of the rescuing, transforming, forgiving, empowering grace of Jesus, the one who died for us and is always with us.

Three mentalities—each an essential building block for a healthy biblical, relational lifestyle. Each require the honesty of personal humility, and each encourage us to be reconciled to one another and to God again and again, and again

Great Blog Post on Friendship by Kevin DeYoung

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/2011/07/05/the-gift-of-friendship-and-the-godliness-of-good-friends-part-1/



The Gift of Friendship and the Godliness of Good Friends (Part 1)






We talk a lot about relationships in the church. There are scores of marriage seminars, retreats, and conferences. There are video series and books for newlyweds and engaged couples. Most every church offers marital counseling and most every pastor preaches somewhat regularly on marriage. And the same is true for parenting. There are dozens of books on raising children. There are Sunday school classes, blog sites, and ministries that focus on the parenting relationship. All this is good.


But have you ever noticed we seldom study friendship? It is the most important-least talked about relationship in the church.


Think about your greatest joys in life. They probably center around your friends–the fun times hanging out, the great conversations, the laughter, the sharing, the pleasure of “clicking” (not cliquing!) with someone else or a group of people.


And now think of the most painful times in life. No doubt, sickness and tragedy are on the list. And yet, oftentimes these difficulties are made sweeter by the support of friends and family. But when friendship goes bad–when things get awkward or you feel like you are on the outside looking in–no amount of health and prosperity can fill the gap. Almost anything bad can be wonderful with friends, and almost anything good can be terrible without them.


The worst summer of my life was the summer I spent holed up in a cabin in the mountains of Colorado working on a national government textbook. For three months I worked 10 hours a day studying political science with a classmate and our college professor. We had no electricity (we charged our laptop batteries in town every day) and no indoor plumbing (we used an outhouse). But that wasn’t the main problem. I got used to the rustic lifestyle. The problem was the absence of friends. I was surrounded by amazing natural beauty, engaged in work that I liked fairly well, and allowed time every night and every weekend to read, run, or explore. But I was miserable because I felt all alone.


It’s surprising we don’t talk more about friendship in the church. Depending on how you define friendship, the Bible may have more to say about the friend relationship than it does about marriage and parenting. Further, I bet church “satisfaction” is largely based on two things. If you find happy churchgoers I wager you’ll find these two items present, and where church members are unhappy, I can almost guarantee these two things are missing: quality teaching and quality relationships. No doubt, there are many other important aspects of church life. But for most folks these are the two that matter most. People want a church that teaches them well (which includes sermons, songs, classes, and Bible studies) and a church where they can make friends.


I don’t know if making friends is harder than ever. In some ways, with travel and technology, it is easier than it used to be. But there are still a number of factors that mitigate against genuine friendship.


• We are extremely mobile, moving from place to place, rarely settling down in one spot for a long time.


• We are consumed by family life, pouring almost all our spare time into our children and what’s left over into our spouse.


• We are deceived by email and Facebook, imagining we have hundreds of spectacular relationships when actually we have lots of well-wishers and acquaintances and few flesh and blood friends.


• We are entranced by one-way relationships, expending emotional energy as we bond with our favorite sitcom actor, sports star, or American Idol contestant.


Friendship is wonderful, and we all want it. But friends can be hard to come by. This is nothing new. A true friend has always been one of God’s most sought after gifts. “Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love, but a faithful man who can find?” (Proverbs 20:6). Thankfully, the book of Proverbs says a lot about friendship. It won’t help you find friends, at least not directly. But Proverbs will help you be a better friend. And the best friends usually have the best friends.


In particular, Proverbs invites us to ask three questions relative to friendship: Are you fake? Are you foul? Or are you faithful? We’ll look at these three questions over the next three days. Be a friend and read along.


The Gift of Friendship and the Godliness of Good Friends (Part 2)






Question 1: Are You a Fake Friend?


There is one defining characteristic of the phony friend in Proverbs: he uses people. The fake friend makes friends with people who can give him things. He establishes relationships solely for personal gain. In Proverbs this means money.


• “Wealth brings many new friends, but a poor man is deserted by his friend” (19:4).


• “The poor is disliked by his neighbor, but the rich has many friends” (14:20).


• “Many seek the favor of a generous man, and everyone is a friend to a man who gives gifts. All a poor man’s brothers hate him; how much more do his friends go far from him! He pursues them with words, but does not have them” (19:6-7).


It’s hard to tell if Proverbs is making a moral judgment on those who cozy up to the rich. Certainly, part of the point is simply to show the privilege of the rich versus the poor. But I think we are meant to see the recognize the fickleness of these friends. Faithful friends are hard to find (Prov. 20:6). Fake friends come in abundance, and they come for your stuff.


Fake friends use people. Money is the example in Proverbs, but there are other ways to use people. Some people get close to pastors or politicians or athletes because they want access, power, or popularity. Others may be so accustomed to soliciting favors for business or school or church affairs that they can no longer tell when their personal charm is genuine and when it’s an act. None of us are immune to the dangers of friendship fakery. It’s possible to plug a book, or speak at a conference, or rave about a blog, or feign chumminess with a Christian mover-and-shaker and all the while wonder if you are doing this to receive the same treatment.


A few years ago I read a book about Billy Graham and the presidents. What struck me most was how these powerful men welcomed Graham into their lives because he seemed like the only person who didn’t want anything from them. History shows they often wanted something from Graham, but he gave them the gift of friendship without manipulation. He was no fake friend.


If I ever get into the business of writing fortune cookies, this will be one of my first ones: “Beware the friend who passes out back-scratchers. He does not have your best interest at heart.”


The Gift of Friendship and the Godliness of Good Friends (Part 3)






Question 2: Are You a Foul Friend?


Let me suggest three traits.






First, a foul friend is quick to criticize. In my opinion, there are two kinds of people that have the hardest time making friends. One is the person wants to have friends so badly she can’t understand what it means to be a friend. These people are socially unaware. They don’t ask questions. They see the relationship as a one way street. Everything about them screams “I’m an empty vessel ready for you to pour your love and affirmation and curiosity into me.”


The other type that has a hard time making friends is the super critical person. These people have an opinion on everything and must verbalize that opinion to everyone (probably bloggers!). More than just offering their opinion, they rain down a relentless barrage of negativity. “Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent” (Prov. 11:12).


A few weeks ago I was riding in a car with an older Christian man I’d never met before. I was struck by the bridle he put on his tongue. He would ask me a question and when he saw that we might not completely agree, he’d simply say, “I see you’ve thought about that. I don’t need to say anything more.” He asked good questions and kept his thoughts to himself sharing them would have served no constructive purpose. Bad friends share every thought, however critical, as a means of self-expression. They don’t think what their words are doing or whether they are necessary in this situation.


Consequently, the foul friend gets into conflict that could have been avoided. “Do not plan evil against your neighbor, who dwells trustingly beside you. Do not contend with a man for no reason, when he has done you no harm” (Prov. 3:29-30). It’s all too easy to ruin friendships because we had a bad day. It’s just as easy to get into a senseless argument because of our own jealousy, insensitivity, or hypersensitivity. Foul friends are quick to criticize.


Second, a foul friend is annoying. We’re not talking personality or temperament. Some people rub us the wrong way. Fine. But other people are just plain rude. Rude, annoying people aren’t aware of, or don’t care about, social customs and cultural norms. This may seem like an innocent quirk, but the Bible calls it sin (1 Cor. 13:5).


Proverbs gives two concrete examples of annoyingness in action.


1) Being obnoxious. “Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing” (Prov. 27:14). Got it? Don’t be the life of the party when you wake up. (Kids, this applies to you too.)


2) Not knowing your place. “Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you” (Prov. 25:17). If you’re the sort of friend who comes over unannounced, never says please or thank you, always expects people to wait on you, and has no recognition of your role as a guest, then you’re not the sort of friend people are looking for.


Third, a foul friend can’t be trusted. This may mean you’re a blatant liar (Prov. 23:10-11; 25:18). But duplicity can be more subtle. “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. Do not say to your neighbor, ‘Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give’–when you have it with you” (Prov. 3:27-28). Foul friends don’t keep their end of the bargain. They don’t return favors. They don’t give back what they borrow. They are slow to help and quick to look for ways to avoid being put upon. You can’t trust them to keep their word.


Along the same lines, they are careless with their words. “Like a madman who throws firebrands, arrows, and death is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, ‘I am only joking’” (Prov. 26:18-19). Words hurt after you launch them, no matter what you say your intention was. So be careful. If you don’t care about the effect of your words, people won’t trust you. And if you can’t be trusted you won’t be a very good friend.


The Gift of Friendship and the Godliness of Good Friends (Part 4)






Question Three: Are You a Faithful Friend


Yesterday, I gave three characteristics of a foul friend. Today I conclude the four part series with three characteristics of faithful friend.


First, a faithful friend is there in times of trouble. “Do not forsake your friend and your father’s friend, and do not go to your brother’s house in the day of a calamity. Better is a neighbor who is near than a brother who is far away” (Prov. 27:10). Given how important family is in the Old Testament, it is surprising that Proverbs would say don’t go to your brother’s house. The thought seems to be, “Don’t overlook your friends. They will be there for you every bit as much as your family will.” Contacts are good. Networking can be valuable. Having a plethora of acquaintances and well-wishers is nice. Racking up friends on Facebook is fine. But real friendship is proven in adversity (Prov. 17:17).


Fake friends go away when you’re in trouble. Faithful friends get better when times get harder. “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24). The next time you are in the midst of suffering and ask God, “What possible reason can there be for this trial?” consider one thing he may be up to is making your friendships sweeter and stronger.


Second, a faithful friend knows how to handle conflict. He doesn’t hold grudges. He doesn’t keep an open file in his brain marked “ways you’ve hurt me.” Keeping a long, detailed record of wrongs is like building friendships with a revolver under your coat. It’s no way to make friends, or keep them. “Be not a witness against your neighbor without cause, and do not deceive with your lips. Do not say, ‘I will do to him as he has done to me; I will pay the man back for what he has done’” (Prov. 24:28-29). Faithful friends never seek revenge. They are eager to overlook faults and quick to forgive. “The soul of the wicked desires evil; his neighbor finds no mercy in his eyes” (Prov. 21:10).


Part of handling conflict well is being slow to speak of your friends’ faults to others. “Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends” (Prov. 17:9). Good friends speak to someone, not around him. It’s amazing how many people we will talk when we have a personal conflict, but we avoid talking to the person with whom we have the conflict. It’s like driving in a round-about and never getting off (“Big Ben…Parliament”). Proverbs is right: “Argue your case with your neighbor himself, and do not reveal another’s secret, lest he who hears you brings shame upon you, and your ill repute have no end” (Prov. 25:9-10).


Third, faithful friends make each other better. “A man of violence entices his neighbor and leads him in a way that is not good” (Prov. 16:29). This is not the way of a good friend. We’ve probably all had those friends that make us feel nobler and purer, and those friends that make you feel a little dirty and out of sorts. Bad company corrupts good character (1 Cor. 15:33). Your strongest relationships should be with those who lead you to Christ, not with those who draw you away. This is especially true when you are young or when you are outnumbered. Your deepest friendships should be gospel friendships.


Faithful friends help each other with their words. “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel” (Prov. 27:9). The writer mentions two precious things in this proverb, oil and perfume, but neither are as precious as a wise friend. Go to your friends with your toughest predicaments and darkest secrets. Talk to them about sex and money and all the things we keep hidden. Get their advice before buying a house or taking a new job or getting married. The best friends combine their IQ’s and get smarter as a result.


We all know the proverb: “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another” (Prov. 27:17). It’s a great word picture. Ask yourself: am I sponge that never hurts anyone, but never helps much either? Am I a sword that cuts to the quick but also destroys? Or am I a stone, the kind of friend upon which others can be sharpened, made better and more mature? Faithful friends make better stones than sponges or swords.


Jesus Is a Friend


Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t end this series by point us to the One to whom all Scripture points. “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). That means the greatest friend is the one who laid down the most for his friends. No question who this is.


To be sure, Jesus is more than a friend, but not less. He is the Divine Friend better than any other. He is never a fake friend, but always seeks our best. Neither is he a foul friend. He is slow to anger instead of quick to criticize. He is thoughtful and tender instead of annoying. He’s always trustworthy and never lets us down. Best of all, Jesus is a faithful friend. He not only sympathizes and comforts you in trouble, he delivers you from your greatest trouble, which is sin. Not only does he speak the truth and handle conflict, he made peace through his blood when were at enmity with him. And he doesn’t just make us better, he makes us new. What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear. What a privilege to carry everything to him in prayer.

Friendship Audio

I listened to this talk while on the treadmill this morning. http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/ladies-night/friendship It had a lot of great scriptures and good food for thought for those of us who are mediating on what it means to be a Biblical friend in loving, sincere, transparent, and sacrificial Christian community (for more on friendship, click on the "friendship" label on my sidebar).

I'd love to hear more on what God is teaching you about Biblical friendship and how that differs from worldly friendship. Feel free to post under comments.

Hindering Encouragement

I have been snowed in for the past few days. Kristian has been working a lot of evenings and weekends and we only have one working car at the moment. But thanks to our very dear friends, Wilson and Nora, I was able to go to church this morning and hear an awesome sermon on counting the cost of following Christ. Pastor Matt Bayley read this passage:

Matthew 16:13-28 Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?” 14 And they said, “Some say John the Baptist, others say Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.” 15 He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” 16 Simon Peter replied, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” 17 And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven. 18 And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. 19 I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” 20 Then he strictly charged the disciples to tell no one that he was the Christ.21 From that time Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised. 22 And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “Far be it from you, Lord! This shall never happen to you.” 23 But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” 24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? 27 For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done. 28 Truly, I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.”

Something that really struck me today in hearing this passage were the strong and harsh words Jesus used with Peter when Peter tried to tell Jesus that he should not have to suffer the cross. Jesus actually called Peter “Satan”! That is about as harsh as it gets. Why would Jesus do that? Peter seems to have only been objecting to seeing his beloved Lord suffer. What kind of person would want to see their friend or loved one suffer?

We know more of the story than Peter did. We see that Jesus’ painful rejection, unfathomable suffering, and unjust murder constituted the ultimate act of loving obedience to the Father and loving rescue for us. While perhaps he meant well, Peter’s words were nothing less than satanic. Peter’s words were used of Satan to tempt Jesus into forgoing the act of denying Himself and paying the ultimate sacrifice to reconcile His people to our Righteous Heavenly Father. Peter’s words were death, and Jesus rebuked them fiercely.

Now before we start to look down on Peter for what he said to Jesus, we ought to consider how we give and receive encouraging and comforting words. Can our comforting and encouraging words to others or the comforting and encouraging words we receive from others actually be satanic? Can we give or receive comfort and encouragement that leads us away from the will of God and tempts or enables sin? Absolutely! That is a sobering thought. From Jesus’ response to Peter, we see how detrimental this can be. Let me be very clear here, this is not to say that all encouraging and comforting words are satanic. I hope this point is obvious. The Bible urges us to encourage and comfort one another. (for example see, 1 Thessalonians 5:14; 2 Cor 14; 2 Cor 1:3-4; Romans 1:12; 2 Cor 13:11) Encouragement is even a precious spiritual gift (Romans 12:6-8). Obviously, there is an encouragement and comfort that is good and from the Lord. However, we must recognize that encouragement and comfort is not necessarily always from the Lord and we must be discerning in how we give and receive it.

How can we do this?

1) Pray in faith. We ought to pray for wisdom and discernment to know whether what we want to say and what we hear from others is actually from God or from Satan, recognizing that as Peter’s example suggests, even Christians can be taken captive to do the will of Satan (see also 2 Timothy 2:22-26). We ought to pray for God to guide the content of our words and counsel and also the timing of them. James 1:5-6 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.” In Matthew 6 when Jesus teaches the disciples how to pray, one of the things He tells them to pray is “lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” In Matthew 26, when the disciples fall asleep while Jesus is praying in Gethsemane, Jesus tells them: “Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17-21 says, “Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 19 Do not quench the Spirit. 20 Do not despise prophecies, 21 but test everything; hold fast what is good.”

2) Compare what we want to say or what we hear to the Word of God. No advice, encouragement, or comfort should contradict what we know to be true from the Word of God. Psalm 119:105 says, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” 1 Timothy 6:3-5 says, “Teach and urge these things. 3 If anyone teaches a different doctrine and does not agree with the sound words of our Lord Jesus Christ and the teaching that accords with godliness, 4 he is puffed up with conceit and understands nothing. He has an unhealthy craving for controversy and for quarrels about words, which produce envy, dissension, slander, evil suspicions, 5 and constant friction among people who are depraved in mind and deprived of the truth, imagining that godliness is a means of gain.” 2 Timothy 3:14-17 says, “But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it 15 and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. 16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.”

3) Examine motives. What are our motives in saying or receiving comforting words and encouragement? Do our motives have anything to do with avoiding pain or discomfort or inconvenience for ourselves? Do we just want to be liked? Do our motives have anything to do with wanting to be praised by men rather than by God? Are we seeking to gain something for ourselves by our smooth words at the expense of truth and love? Are we trying to avoid conflict because it is uncomfortable for us? Are we afraid that the other person will lash out at us or reject us? Are we just being careless with our words, blurting out whatever comes to mind without even thinking about their implications? This is not honoring to God or loving to others. This is selfish. Let us not forget Jesus’ words in Matthew 16:24 & 25: “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

Earlier this year, I was talking to a dear friend about some very difficult things I was going through. Instead of urging me to take the easy way out of the situation or giving me false hope (i.e. hope in unpredictable circumstances), this friend actually led me to Matthew 16:24-25. It was the best thing she could have done for me. Even today, I was talking with another dear friend about a challenging conflict that I am facing. Rather than telling me that my motives were all right and that the person with whom I am in conflict was all wrong, my friend lovingly challenged me today to consider my own motives. This was the best thing she could have done for me. When I have talked to friends about the pain of infertility, the most helpful encouragement I have received is not that God will give me a child—no one knows if this is God’s will for my life! Rather, my friends who have been the most helpful are the ones who have encouraged me with Scripture (i.e. I don’t know if God will give me a child, but I do know that He works all things for my good—Romans 8:28). Instead of giving me false hope, they hugged me when I have needed comfort, loved me with thoughtful acts of service, and even lovingly rebuked me when I have needed it. Rather than helping me figure out how to avoid this trial that God has brought into my life for my good, they have lovingly walked with me through it.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you that you do not leave us to ourselves. Thank you that you give us guidance and direction. Thank you that you show us truth in your word. Thank you that we can approach your throne of grace with confidence because of Jesus, and that you delight to guide us in your ways. Father, please guard our hearts against satanic encouragement. Protect us from being used by Satan and from listening to the lies Satan tries to get us to believe from encouragement that is not from you. Teach us to deny ourselves daily for your name sake. Help us to be unselfish in the words we speak to others, seeking to honor and glorify you and to love them in accordance with your truth. Help us to honor you in what advice and encouragement we receive from others, seeking your wisdom and discernment to know what is good and what is evil. We love you. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Radical Friendship

I have been meditating lately on what it means to be a true biblical friend. What I am finding is that authentic biblical friendship is radical friendship. I want to be that kind of friend!

We all love our friends. They are the ones with whom we have the biggest laughs. They are the ones who fill up our fondest memories. They are the ones we are quick to call when we want to talk. They are the ones who meet many of our needs. These things are all true, but they are also true of the way that the world views friendship. What does the Bible say about friendship that is different from the world? I think this verse is a good summary:

Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

Proverbs 17:17 is often quoted on all sorts of cheesy Christian paraphernalia, and I think we often trivialize the profound meaning of this verse--that a friend loves at ALL times, even when things are bad. ALL times? Even when:

The good times are a distant memory
Our friends are suffering
We are suffering
We disagree
Our friends are in sin
We are in sin
Our friends betray us
Our friends abandon us

The way we are called to love our friends is always patient, kind, rejoices with truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things (1 Cor 13). The way we are called to love our friends is never envious, boastful, arrogant, rude, irritable, overbearing (insisting on its own way) or resentful (1 Cor 13). We are called to love our friends with sincerity, abhorring evil and clinging to good (Rom 12:9). We are called to love our friends with brotherly affection, outdoing one another in showing honor, not being slothful in our zeal, but fervent in our spirit to serve the Lord (Rom 12:10). We are called to love our friends by obeying God’s commandments (Rom 13:9-10). We are called to love our friends by doing nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility counting others more significant than ourselves (Phil 2). We are to look not only to our interests but also to the interest of our others (Phil 2). We are to love our friends in a way that covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). We are to love our friends in a way that is walking in the light (1 John 2:10). We are to love our friends by laying our life down for them 1 John 3:16). We are to love our friends by sharing with them from our own resources to bless them (1 John 3:17).We are to love our friends not just in words or talk, but in deed and truth (1 John 3:18). We are to love our friends in a way that is rooted in God’s love for us (1 John 4:19). We are called to love our friends by praying for them (there are tons of examples in Paul’s letters, some are: Ephesians 1:15-23; Phil 1:3-11; Col 1:9-14).

These are biblical principles of biblical love. Biblical love for our friends ALWAYS looks like this. This kind of love is engaging, honest, sincere, and sacrificial. This kind of love reminds me of what I heard from one woman at the Grace Fellowship retreat who said that being a good friend means that you know what is going on with your friend because you are involved in doing life together. Having this knowledge, a good friend actively helps their friend through prayer and other acts of service.

The applications of Biblical love may look different by circumstances. My methods of loving a friend depend on their needs. For instances, if my friend is feeling weary, I am called to encourage him or her (1 Thes 5:14). If my friend is in sorrow, I am called to mourn with him or her (Rom 12:15). If my friend is rejoicing, I am called to rejoice with him or her (Rom 12:15). If my friend has a material need, I am called to bless him or her generously with provision as God calls (1 John 3:17). If my friend confesses sin to me, I am called to pray for him or her (James 5:16). If my friend is sick, I am called to pray for him or her (James 5:15).

What happens though when we have a conflict with a friend?

If my friend is in sin, I should pray for him or for her and I should pray about whether the Lord would have me say anything to him or her, holding to Scriptural truths like these:

Proverbs 27:5-6 “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”

Proverbs 19:11 “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”

If my friend tells me I am in sin, I should take care to hear the exhortation of my friend recognizing that my heart is deceitful and my sin is deceitful. I should recognize the value of my friend’s counsel and listen. If I do not see truth in my friends counsel, I should pray to God for discernment, I should test it against the Word, I should pray to the Lord for a soft heart, and I should perhaps ask another honest God-fearing friend if they see the same sin in me:

Proverbs 27:9 Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel

Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick;who can understand it?”

Hebrews 3:12-13 “Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. 13 But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”

Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! 24And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

James 3:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.”

Hebrews 4:12-13 “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. 13And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”

Proverbs 15:22 Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.

We must do all we can to pursue reconciliation a friend with whom we have conflict. Matthew 5:23 says, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (It should not be surprising to us that reconciliation is so important to God, since the gospel is the ministry of reconciliation of us to God! See, 2 Cor 5:17-21)

Romans 12:18 tells us “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” As Romans 12:18 suggests, there will be times when we have done all that is possible from our end to seek reconciliation, yet sometimes our friends will not want to be reconciled. At the point when our friends are the ones to abandon our relationship, we must love them from afar--through our prayers and any opportunity that the Lord provides--but we must never cease to love them. I love the image of the parable of the prodigal son. Though his son sinned grievously against him, the father of the prodigal welcomes him with lavish love when his son returns:

"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. 21And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' 22But the father said to his servants, 'Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. 23And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. 24For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.' And they began to celebrate." (Luke 15)

The amazing thing about this picture is that the father’s loving response comes even before he hears of his son’s repentance or apology! We see in the heart of this father sincere love--love that sincerely cares for his son. Simply upon seeing his son coming toward him, this father is moved with affection and compassion. This is “no-agenda” kind of love. This father does not put his needs for respect, vindication, honor, affirmation, etc. above his sincere love, interest in, and care for his son. This is sacrificial pursuing love.

Jesus is our perfect friend and our perfect model of what it is to be a good friend. While He lived on earth, He loved, encouraged, admonished, served, and “did life together” with his closest friends, His disciples. Jesus’ love manifested in a variety of ways depending on the circumstances. Sometimes His words were gentle, other times they were extremely forceful, but they were always in love. Sometimes He directly provided for the disciples (like multiplying loaves and fish), and other times He told the disciples where to look to find their provision (like telling them to find a coin in the mouth of a fish). Jesus’ love for his friends did not change even when his friends disappointed him or even betrayed him (He even washed the feet of Judas!).

Despite the fact that I disappoint, wound, and betray Him with my sin, Jesus is my perfect friend who loves me actively. I love what Bible commentator Matthew Henry says about Proverbs 17:17:

“No change of outward circumstances should abate our affection for our friends or relatives. But no friend, except Christ, deserves unlimited confidence. In Him this text did receive, and still receives its most glorious fulfillment.”

His words bring me back to the point of biblical friendship, and that is to know the love of Christ and to image this love to others to the glory of God!